Counseling - A Three Stage Procedure

This is a basic three-step approach to counseling. This is a process to use when someone comes to you with a concern or wanting to talk about something. It is for the 'normal neurotics just like me and you" and not to deal with patients suffering from serious mental disorders.

It avoids giving advice (a common mistake for any counseling method). If you follow this method, you'll do no harm and will likely do a lot of good.

Stage One: Listening

Listening means being able to comprehend the message as well as the emotions that accompany it.

Cerebral understanding is not enough.

Don't make statements that is a statement that defines the issue or other person's feelings. Ask instead. Not, "You're feeling . . . " but instead, "Are you feeling . . ? ". "Not, "The issue is . . ." but instead, "You think the problem is . . ." Or "The method you think of it . . . ". At this stage it may suffice to just say "uh-huh" or shake your head.

The process ends when the person begins talking about the causes of the issue. You'll know you've succeeded when you have the agreement of what the issue is and what the person feels about it.

Stage Two The second stage is Exploratory listening

When the person speaking to you is able to hear them, they'll then move onto more profound things. At this stage you can begin to ask questions. Inquiring if they've had this experience before. what they've tried to do in similar situations - whether or not it worked and if there are any other thoughts and feelings that are happening for them. You can, if you are able to clearly observe something make observations of what you see. Things like, "You seem happy/sad/angry . . ." and so on. Even here it is probably more appropriate to ask questions instead of making an assertion.

The critical issue at this stage is to stay in touch with their feelings at the level they are feeling them.

If you aren't able to do this, tell them Don't try to fake it. It could be something like, "Sorry, I can't handle this right now." They will appreciate this more than playing (and they'll know for sure if you are just pretending).

This stage ends when the problem is looked at differently, a new insight is gained.

Stage Three: Doing Different Things

When they start seeing things differently they will begin to approach things differently or at least plan to.

When someone comes to you with a problem is to rush to this point quickly. This is a mistake. What is needed is time to explore what is happening and then to view it in a different way.

At this point, you are able to offer suggestions on what has been successful for you.

Do not get caught up in playing "Yes, but . . . ".

If they give reasons why your suggestions won't work Don't be a defender. Instead, ask what they've tried, why it didn't work, and what they can do differently this time.

You might want to make arrangements that they can check in with you so you can keep track of how they are going in their new method of working.

The stage is finished when they try out new behaviour with you or when they've an idea of the new behaviour they wish to test with other people.

This is mostly about listening.

The other person will always know more about their own situation than you do.

Never offer advice about what people should do. In the third phase, you could want to discuss what has worked for you in the event that you've dealt the same issue.

With some practice, you can get quite good fast at this skill. You Amanda Smith might end up being someone people come to 'for advice'. So long as you adhere to this procedure and don't give advice, you will do much good and help numerous people.